If I haven't already said so Happy New Year this 2011.
As I've mentioned previously the reason for me creating a Blog was due to
needing to get some self-expression out of me.
One of these issues that I've decided to express is my connection with
It's actually quite difficult for me typing this even in the privacy of my own place. Am doing this under a pseudonym yet am actually feeling as if I was producing this under my actual name.
At least you (the reader) will hopefully realize that am being honest yet analysing yourself is difficult; a truth which cannot be hidden.
My first introduction into Pornography was the following lady...
My Grandmother would get The Sun Newspaper but never allow me to read it. Due to both my Parent's working, I was always met at the School Gate by my Grandmother.
I would stay at her's till my Mother came round after her shift had finished.
During the 1980's in the UK, it was expectable for Mother's to leave work at 2:30pm to get their children at the end of the School Day.
My Mother realizing the the Office would be virtually empty offered to stay till 5pm with the clause that she would receive an extra 5 days paid Holiday per. year. Her manager realizing this 'gift' duly expected this offer hence my time at my Grandmother's after School had ended.
As I mentioned The Sun Newspaper was strictly off-limits always placed on those display cabinets that EVERY elderly British Women seemed to own. The type that would contain little ornaments.
I've always had a theory that this was or still is a 'proletariat version' of replicating The Queen's Crown Jewels. If you're poor or find £ tight why spend what little you have on such nonsensical tat.
So, my chance had arrived due to next door's neighbours Australian Terrier being viciously attacked by an Alley Cat. The poor Dog was sitting in the early July sunshine when it got an almighty beating.
How my Grandmother left the House & The Sun for me was due to the scream of her next door neighbour after seeing the damage done by the vicious Alley Cat.
I just remember my Grandmother saying for me to continue to watch whatever Cartoon's I was enjoying then left. I instinctively realized that this might be my only opportunity to read this secret thing that she had left on her armchair. I still to this day remember that I had to be remember the exact manner that my Grandmother had left the paper.
I then turned the page only to discover a certain Samantha Fox; she had such a lovely face but those Tits (it was 1980's Britain).
She knew people would see her Tits but why do such a thing?
Yet, the thing that excited me was the fact she didn't care & seemed proud of this fact..!!
My head was spinning around why she would do this yet enjoying it the more I looked at her.
I even remember reading her name again & again; as if the opportunity should arrive where I the 8yr Old Junior Schoolboy where to meet the then 18yr Old Glamour Model at least I would say her name.
She became my 'Most Sweetest of Slut's'.
At the time, the term 'Slut' was unknown to me yet in my heart I knew I loved that confident, unashamed sexuality. She knew what she was about & enjoyed the fact of showing off those incredible Tits to the world.
I remembered about my Grandmother being ONLY next door, so I placed the newspaper in it's original position & continued to watch cartoon's.
My Grandmother returned & I recall that I started the conversation on what occurred to the Dog?
She informed me that the owner had just got a Taxi headed to the nearest Vet.
Then I recall her looking with inspection at the position of the Newspaper; this look was less than 2seconds yet I knew my deception had worked as she got The Sun & placed it on the Cabinet.
Then turned around to see my reaction... I outwitted her by behaving as if engrossed watching whatever was on Television.
Not only was this my first time interacting with Pornography but also outwitting an Adult; all due to Samantha Fox cira. 1985.
That was the genesis of my attraction to Pornography which still is with me.
Yet, I am becoming concerned that the attraction is becoming magnetic due to the convenience of
the Internet. From Samantha Fox in those Page 3 Photo's I've progressed to the following...
Tory Lane's gangbang story! brought to you by PornHub
Samantha Fox has been replaced by Tory Lane whom is 'The Ultimate Slut'.
Whilst it can be easy to blame the easy to locate Hardcore Internet Sex; my blame is directed at Popular Culture specifically Television.
How many TV Ad's have people as Couples or how many Movies have Sexual / Romantic relationships as being their central hub. From Soft Drinks, Clothes to Package Holidays (a classic) etc...
This normal 'vanilla' visual constant Brainwashing that I've been having to deal with for all these years is making me feel inadequate being Single for 16mths.
People make comments... "With anybody?"... "Why's a nice fella like you Single?"... "Got any Kids?" etc...
When the response is that am currently Single & have no Children; the reaction... uncomfortable shock?
So, I find solace in Pornography these Ladies will not judge me.
Now by creating this Blog Entry; I've started to connect that triumphant feeling of reading The Sun for the first time to my current need to access Internet Pornography.
Psychologist, I feel are correct in that a persons initial dealing everything impacts on their entire life?
Yet, the reason why I use the term 'Drug'; is after the high (& believe me it is just that) I get a low.
I simply want to find somebody I can be intimate with yet then it get's deeper I want to take care of the right type of Women.
Not as simple as classifying me as being kinky but it's replacing or being an substitute for actual affection.
Yet, Internet Pornography give me 50% whilst the other it could never even to attempt replicate...
intimacy, cooking a romantic meal & the thing that I want most just telling that Woman how's my day been.
Still, 50% of seeing something is actually better than nothing but the low comes.
Another thing is that am actually quite a liberal individual. I've even represented a Female colleague whom was being bullied by some Male colleagues. This sadly happens often within the Scientific Industry; as it's a majority Male environment.
The form of bullying was mocking the standard of her work that was actually highly impressive.
I then set-up a test (with the prior knowledge of my Female Colleague) to prove that she was actually better than the 'ring-leader'. He took 'the bait' & was embarrassed by making mistakes in his data that a 1st Year Undergrad wouldn't even do.
Whilst the Female Colleague got all her data, perfect (as I knew she would). After this the humiliation ended & the respect began for my Colleague's expertise.
Certain colleagues even gave me the nickname 'The Feminist' that I eventually became rather found of; this resulted in them either becoming puzzled or angry.
I believe in Equality including that between Male & Female yet am I a hypocrite for enjoying viewing Tory Lane being in the above Gangbang video?
This is what the contemporary world does to people in that it confuses us so we don't really know who we actually are.
I still will not change my view on Pornography or the people whom perform in it; in some way's they are actually braver & free than I'll ever be.
They deliver entrainment & pleasure with the problem not being with them but issues with the viewer or contemporary existence.
I'd like people's opinions on this Blog Entry but before making judgements both Video's NEED to be watched.
I would also greatly appreciate the input of Women in this debate or feedback.
Many thanks for taking the time to read this Blog Entry & please feel free to forward this for the attention of others.
Men in early 21st Century Britain don't communicate these emotions, so by me being honest others might read it & get some insight that might help them?
Am very emotional completing this Blog Entry but in a good way.
The 2nd Video is below....